Month 4 Progress- Nov. 2012

I can't believe I've been at this for 4 full months now! SUPER LIKE! However, not all fun and games. Month four I almost quit. Here's the tale.

I have a very hard time committing to things in general. My typical pattern is to get totally stoked about something, do it great for 3 months, then give up because I tell myself I'm not capable and the depression creeps in which makes things extra challenging.

It was not shocking that the day after I posted my update pictures, which showed amazing progress, my depression decided to visit me with a vengeance.

It was very hard to stay focused on my progress, because all those awesome feel great feelings I had been experiencing disappeared. The month also proved to be a challenge health wise. Overall, I felt physically yucky. This did not help me wanting to continue.

During this past month I stopped running. There was a point when I realized that showing up, mostly on time, to my training sessions was the best I was capable of. I did not judge myself for working out 'less'. Instead, I kept telling myself that it (the depression) would pass. That I just needed to keep showing up.

Eating? Holy moly! This was where the feelings of ick set in. I ended up stopping my protein powder intake temporarily as I found it wasn't helping my mental hunger. I pretty much ate the equivalent of one candy bar a day. Throw in a few pints of Ben&Jerrys here and there, and I had a nice mixture of uncomfortable feelings of shame.

HOWEVER!!! I did not let the shame bring me down. I did not give up, in fact, I told myself often, 'that pint of ice cream probably wasn't the best choice tonight, but it is okay. Eating it doesn't make me a failure. Right now, my best is eating ice cream, and that's AWESOME!' These words helped me get thru the hardest times this month.

My darkest moment hit me the last Thursday in October. I had rescheduled my normal Wednesday workout to thurs for that week. I opened my eyes thurs morning around 830am, and proceeded to have a mini break down. My session was at 10am. I laid in my bed very upset. About 35 mins before ten I messaged my trainer, I wasn't coming. I was surprised at her response, which was not shaming or angry at all. This was the first time I missed a session due to depression.

My 'day off' was intense. I was SO CLOSE to sending a break up txt to my trainer. Thankfully, I've taught myself not to make major decisions in the middle of an intense emotional reaction. The cool thing that happened was I came out of the day not wanting to feel that way again. Taking that day was THE BEST thing I could have done. I came out of it re- energized and ready to step back on my new path! Grateful.

Although my eating was off, and I stopped my runs, I kept moving. I often found myself walking, and one day I took myself and mr mutt on an epic 6 hour walk. That was awesome! I went on a ton of 1-3 hour walks, which was also very good.

I noticed that my clothes were still fitting loose. Although I was terrified and convinced I had gained all my weight back, I kept telling myself my pants were still loose. This helped.

At any rate, I was FORCED on the scale earlier then I expected. I was very surprised to find out that my weight was 1 pound different from last months number! Shock! Happiness! Relief!

I am SO proud that I was able to get thru the depression and take the next step on my journey.

I'm looking forward to month 5!!! ROCK ON!!!